Dear Coach,

I got an angry letter from a reader saying I was insensitive for printing a quote that used the word “retarded” to mean “idiotic.” The quote came from a 16-year-old girl who was describing the actions of a competing volleyball team. Her quote ended with “The whole thing was really retarded.” The reader said she had a Down syndrome child and that the girl’s use of “retarded” was thoughtless and insulting. The reader said I should know better and that she plans to complain to my editors as well as publicly in the letters column. I told this to my editor, who said, “Forget it. You can’t please everyone.” But I feel terrible. How should I handle this? – Not Thoughtless, Just Confused

Dear Not,

There are three things going on here. You need to separate them out:

1) People – kids, especially – can use hurtful, thoughtless language without blinking an eye. Think of the current tendency among adolescents to use “gay” in describing something they don’t like, as in “That movie (teacher, restaurant, etc.) is really gay.” You can’t change that. But you can be aware. That said, we are not the PC police, and the girl you quoted is not a public official but a kid who engages in off-the-cuff peer-speak.

2) A different editor might have recognized the phrase as potentially offensive and taken it out, or asked you to find a different quote. That didn’t happen, and you can’t change the fact that it didn’t. (My guess is 10 editors would have cut it, another 10 would not have.)

3) Your reader was offended and hurt and needed to vent. She chose you to vent to. You can do something about that.

Write her back, via snail mail, thanking her for her useful remarks. Tell her you truly meant no harm, but in hindsight, you clearly see how people could be hurt. Tell her that her letter means the world to you because it has made you more sensitive to how offhanded comments from people can cause hurt elsewhere. Ask her to please keep in touch, especially with any future concerns.

What you could lose from doing this: Absolutely nothing.

What you could gain: Your generosity could well diffuse her anger because she will have been heard and had her concerns acknowledged. And you might even win a fan for life.

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