Killer Plants. Right.

By M. J. Casiano
One hour and 31 minutes of my life is gone, and I want it back.

At least the Pepsi and popcorn were tasty, and the movie was free.

Despite the mixed reviews, “The Happening” grossed an estimated $32 million and was the No. 1 international title this weekend, according to “The Hollywood Reporter.”

How? I have no idea. The whole time I wondered when it would get better.

It never did.

From Mark Wahlberg’s bad acting to the terrible story plot, it was bad from start to finish.

In fact, it was so corny in parts it made me laugh out loud. Wahlberg’s acting reminded me of watching a high school play. His lines were ridiculous, and he delivered them in a whiney and irritating voice.

His character was an obstructionist school teacher in Philadelphia. He leaves by train with his wife (Zooey Deschanel), best friend (John Leguizamo) and his daughter after hearing that a biological attack has hit New York. Leguizamo goes to Princeton, where his wife was sent by train, leaving the daughter with Wahlberg and Deschanel, who were off in search of safety elsewhere in New Jersey.

The scare, better known as the green effect, is blamed for the Northeastern breakout and deaths. Therefore, throughout the whole movie, people are running from plants because they are sending out a deadly hormone to humans.

Plants. Really?

As characters in this dismal plot, the plants took on lives of their own. People talked to them, rubbed them, tried to comfort and appease them. And yet, each time the wind swirled, people lost their ability to think, repeated themselves and eventually committed suicide. By movie’s end, people in other corners of the world showed the same symptoms. I had to wonder whether the plants had gotten to the producers, director and/or actors.

All I’m trying to say is that if you want to spend $7.50, don’t spend it watching this movie. Go get yourself a fast-food meal or maybe a gallon of gas.